Monkey Shines

[Selypa]

God that son of a bitch had some lungs on him...

Close the door close the door close the door!

If Bardock didn't make it out, she was going to fucking kill him. She was going to whoop his fucking ass and throw him into a thousand walls and make him bathe in the fucking blood fou-

A form blasted through the slim opening, right as one of the ogres finally got it through his fucking head that something was up. The gate slammed shut, taking part of Bardock's tail with it. Panting from both her frenzied flight there and the weight of the door, Selypa let go, letting the ogre do his fucking job as she stumbled over to the commander quickly, dropping into a kneeling position next to him.

"Already here." Selypa retorted, even as she grabbed one of his arms and pulled it over her shoulder, rising to her feet and pulling him with her, her other arm coming to hold him by the middle. Ignoring whatever the ogre was saying- if he was saying anything at all-, Selypa took a moment to steady herself. Because of the brief headstart, and her own fraction-higher agility, she was just a bit better then Bardock.

"If it's not too impertinent, sir, I think that was one of your biggest batshit schemes yet." Selypa retorted, glancing up at him. "You're fucked up to hell." Despite the fact that they had locked him in the demon realm, her tail was refusing to unwind from around her waist, still bristling from the scent in the air and the adrenaline coursing through her.

"Back to the fountain, or to the nearest log for a nap?" She began to move anyways, pulling him with her. The bastard was heavy, but she didn't train for nothing.

[Ba'Tege]

Ba'Tege grunted and clawed at his prize cloak when it landed on his head, then let out a surprised yelp when Bardock struck him down. The fallen prince crashed to the floor as the older Saiyajin made his escape and the darkness settled in on him in full. The demons who had been observing approached their new 'guest' to give him their warmest of welcomes.

If Selypa and Bardock lingered around long enough, they would barely make out a chorus of screams from the other side. But it was difficult to say who was hurting who in there...

[Bardock]

Belatedly, Bardock realized his hand was empty. Somewhere in there, he had lost his brother's tail. The idea put a foul taste in his mouth as he struggled to look back at the doors. He could faintly hear the screams from the other side and surmised that Ba'Tege might be entertained for a while in there.

"Back to the fountain..." He would need some rest before he went to go bother Enma for the favor.

Bardock had a bit of a struggle as he wiped the blood away from his face and they started making their way from the cursed place. He too was ignoring the ogre as he took his leisurely time walking with Selypa.

"Well...I couldn't think of anything better for a Ba'Tege situation...We may...may have kept him a little distracted, but he would have...worked around it. Maybe." As he had noted, the first prince was a sad, unpredictable case. He grunted, remembering the war. There had been a lesson in there, one he hadn't learned till much later on. "I told his father he had made a big mistake...Told him...Told him but then I agreed with him. See what happens...when you forsake your kids?"

With a growl, he pulled from her and sat down with his back against a rocky pillar. Something didn't feel right. Why did his spine tingle? His head bobbed around as he took his much needed break and lifted his tail to eye the now bloody tip. At least an inch had to be missing. "Ho shit..." He almost wanted to laugh at the irony. In fact, he did.

[Selypa]

The screams that echoed faintly through the air from behind that gate and the ogres, one of which was rubbing his head with tears in his eyes, definitely wasn't helping her tail smooth it's fur. She had a feeling her tail was going to be at least semi-bristled for an hour yet.

Part of her almost wondered where the hell Toma and the other two were, and if they had already reached the fountain ahead of them. Hopefully none of them were stupid enough to bother Raditz. More then ever, she wanted out. Ba'Tege was unpredictable, but he wasn't stupid. If he got out, even after that entertainment, they were going to have worse problems on their hands if his deranged mind remembered who had tricked him. Of course, if they were lucky, his joy at the demons to beat up and feast on would work in their favor and he'd just harass the ogres for some time.

"Can't say I disagree there... doesn't make it any less then one of your crowning crazy-ass plans." An actual chuckle escaped her at that, though the chuckle left her at what he said next. Her eyes flashed, but she said nothing, letting him pull away. The slender saiyajin woman fell to the ground near him, one leg upraised, the other folded under her raised leg as she took the chance to rest as well, leaning back a bit.

When he lifted his tail, though, she stared for a moment before wincing, a low whistle escaping her lips. "Shit, closer then I thought. Need to work on my timing." She shook her head, though her lips started to twitch at his laughter. Finally, a chuckle escaped her as she shook her head, her shoulders shaking a bit.

Taking a rather Bardock move, she fell backwards, hands behind her head, one leg still upraised, the other stretched out now, the soft chuckles still escaping her. "One hell of a day, pun intended." Though she was laying, the moment he was ready to move again, she would be on her feet, ready to help him again.

[Bardock]

While Selypa and Bardock had been dealing with Ba'Tege...Toma had been busy searching. It had been a pain in the ass finding Totepo at first but Panbukin had made the task a little more daunting. Apparently the large blighter was still worried about Selypa kicking his ass all over the place. After more extensive hunting than really needed, Toma managed to round up the fat bastard and dished out some punishment of his own for all the trouble.

Once the camp was cleaned out, the three parked themselves over near the Blood Fountain. Toma wasn't sure what more Bardock wanted them to do so for the time being they waited for the pair to arrive. He had taken note of Raditz's presence, but took not of the meditative state and left him be. The second in command looked around, taking note of two craters in the ground and the unmistakable smell of changeling blood. Why did he have the funny feeling that something happened?

Back by the Demon Gate, Bardock bounced back to his feet faster than he should have. The giant double doors had trembled once or twice and it was giving him the distinct message of 'Okay, time to fucking beat it!'.

"Let's get out of here...There's no telling how long he'll actually stay in there." After a short lived rest, Bardock was feeling a little better. The bleeding had staunched itself, though his eyes still looked rather red. He cast one last soulful look at the end of his tail. The tingling kept on and he wondered if it would ever go away. Not to mention it was shaking and twitching in a weird way, which bothered him a little. Maybe some nerves had been fried. Like others, he had trained his tail not to feel pain, but that was from the squeezing. Having an inch lopped off felt significantly different.

While they started to head back, he figured he could now explain his plan to his soldier. "Anyway...Craziness aside, I may have a way to get a free pass for the day into the world of the living. Kakarot managed the same thing around a decade ago, he was given a day's worth of energy and permission to leave Other World...then that Buu went running loose. I figured maybe...Enma might do me a solid and let me do the same." If he couldn't get the favor, he wasn't sure how the others would. He had changed quit a bit not only from his stay in Hell but in the last moments of life. Besides, it would be easy for him to appeal to his relatives, considering there could be no argument on who he was, just from his looks alone. Plus...Bardock snickered. "Besides...I really want to see what the grandkids are made of, yanno?"

[Selypa]

Something happening? Really? Naaaw. Couldn't be. The ogres were just redecorating, that's all.

The brief rest time was cut short by the pounding on the doors. Selypa flipped to her feet, somehow still slower then the more-injured Bardock. Then again, the almost legendary healing of a saiyajin was already at work. Her eyes flickered to his tail. Well. Almost legendary healing. After a second she had to look away, the twitching and shaking was a bit too much. The last thing Selypa wanted was to have the image of her own tail being sliced off, even by an inch, in her head.

"Knowing our luck, not long." Selypa responded, stepping into stride.

When he began to explain her plan, she almost couldn't believe how logical this plan was, compared to the insanity they had just endured. She rolled one shoulder as she thought about it, looking to the sky above them. His last comment, however, actually caused her to grin.

"From what I've heard, Bardock, the grandkids could kick your ass with ease." She retorted, still grinning. "I think they could teach you a thing or three." Chuckling at the image of Bardock being tutored by his grandchildren, Selypa went back to thinking about the main part of that plan.

"If Enma lets you go... From what I remember, Kakarot was a bit more well-recieved by Enma. The whole hero thing and all... You've changed, that's for certain. It's just going to depend if Enma holds too much of a grudge against Commander Bardock, or if he's come to respect his unofficial Hell peacekeeper Bardock. Still. Right now, it seems like that's going to be the fastest way to get out of Hell, even if it's short-lived..."

Her mind wandered to the ways they had all changed since coming to Hell. Bardock's changes were the greatest, though he was still the same rogue he had always been. Selypa liked to think that she hadn't changed all that much, other then being a fraction calmer. Still, it seemed like something had changed about each of them, even if they didn't seem to realize it. Raditz had certainly changed.

"If we can manage to get our hands on those wishing balls without too much hassle and before Turles, that'll make things even easier. I have to say though... Feels like something's about to happen. You feel like there's a storm on the horizon, and not just because the psychopath back there now wants our heads skinned and cooked?"

[Bardock]

"Well, I figure he might be willing to hear me out. I mean, thanks to our collective efforts, we keep many of his ogres sober on the job. Not to mention we just gave his favorite bunch of mischief makers a buddy to play with." Actually, Bardock was somewhat uncertain now that Ba'Tege was locked up on the other side of the gate. He almost felt that they had made a terrible mistake leaving him around the demons. All he could do for now was hope that the little freak didn't find something in there to tamper with. Still, his useless powers of foresight weren't setting off yet so he couldn't tell whether his worries were totally founded or not.

It was uncertain times like that when he wished he had found an obliging Kanassan to somehow teach him how to possibly manage the ability a little better. Unfortunately any of those that wound up in Hell were less than forgiving and downright stubborn in their refusal to even suggest that it might be possible. Fah! Weren't they even now? He destroyed their people, his got destroyed in turn, karma is a bitch. Didn't they pay attention to the rules of karma, because technically that made them even. At least in Bardock's book.

"Dragon Balls." He corrected when she called them wishing balls. "And yeah, something's gonna happen, I just don't have the foresight as to what. But I don't think it'll be down here, which is all the more reason for me to get that free day pass..."

Part of him reasoned that maybe his sense of unease came from a pre-vision tingle, then again if Selypa was getting the feeling, there had to be more to it. Perhaps it was a remnant of the anxiety from dealing with Ba'Tege? Possible but it seemed somewhat different, more foreboding than panic. He blinked as they were steadily making their way towards the new camp location. Something had happened, though it didn't seem as ominous. But what? Wait...

"Raditz is gone...?!"

Fifty years in Hell, a guy picked up a few novel tricks and one of the ones Bardock had learned from observing his son during his fights with Vegeta and Frieza was sensing out ki. If that rugrat prince could learn to do it, he sure as fuck could too! At the moment, he could sense the woman with him, Toma, the others, but out of the blue his son's energy had suddenly just...disappeared. Did that mean...No fucking way, he actually did it? Back at the camp, Toma was starting to freak a little because one minute they're watching the maned Saiya-jin and then the next he was gone. The tall man grimaced, "Bardock is going to be so pissed..."

"Holy shit, he actually did it...I officially take back all the shit I told him, that little furball actually did it..." Bardock laughed a little back where they were. Damn, his eldest son wasn't such a waste after all. Now he felt rather bad for doubting him so long. But that little bit of remorse would wait, they had some work to do, which was to go topside. He changed their course, instead they started heading for the passage that led upward to the check-out station, "Well, no time to sit around down here and sniff the roses!"

[Selypa]

Dragon Balls. What a ridiculous name.

Her thoughts didn't get much farther as she turned her attention to Bardock sharply. A frown touched her lips as she concentrate-

What, you thought Selypa would have ignored a possible way to get stronger and have an advantage over those around her in Hell? HELL no! Think about who you're talking about!

-d on the energy levels. Sure enough, there was a specific, sadly weak energy source missing. She blamed the adrenaline from the crazy chase they had just been on for her lack of attentiveness.

"... I'll be damned." Unable to help herself, Selypa actually grinned, violet eyes bright. "The little son of a bitch did it." The anxiety to live again was itching between her shoulder blades, and now they were one step closer. Without missing a beat, she turned, following Bardock to the passage.

"The only rose down here is the one tattooed on Zarbon's ass." Came the retort, though she was still grinning. Now, all they had to do was convince Enma...

---

"So.. if I keep polishing this... I'll get into Heaven?"

"Yes. It's mahogany, you know."

[Bardock]

"Exactly."

Bardock got his second wind and he charged up the path. There were a couple ogre sentries, but these were a smart pair who knew better than to deal with certain Saiya-jins. They jumped out of his way as he ascended the passage up out of Hell into Enma's office.

It was actually the same passage Goku had taken when he had fallen into Hell and needed to make his way back onto Snake Way. So like his son, Bardock had eventually popped up in the drawer. Well, he had dawdled in there before pushing it open. Who knew such a big guy had such interesting shit in there?

His appearance in the drawer startled the poor soul who was now climbing to the top of the mahogany desk and the Saiya-jin watched with vague amusement as the person fell off. Blinking his dark eyes, Bardock then redirected his attention up to the massive red figure who towered above.

Time for a touch of charm.

"Hey there, Enma-sama. Mm, your desk is looking great." His brows twitched up as he grinned congenially. Enma could be tricky to convince of things sometimes, but it wouldn't hurt to kick off the talk on a friendly, complimenting note since forcing or bellowing his way to getting what he wanted would be useless. And since the giant ogre was quite observant, he would not be entirely surprised if he had some idea on what he was there for. It wasn't like Bardock paid him visits on a regular basis.

[Selypa]

A bark of laughter escaped Selypa as she charged up after Bardock, the wind pushing her short black hair back behind her. God, she felt like a kid on her first purging, all excited and eager. A chance to live again, to breathe fresh air, to sleep, to...

EAT.

Man she was hungry just thinking about it.

The shorter saiyajin, however, didn't let her presence be known. After all, the last thing she wanted was to piss Enma off, and with her temper, she definitely would. So, she stayed poking around in the drawyer.

---

The massive pen moved across the book, scribbling in surprisingly precise- and large- notes. A grunt escaped him as he just waved the next ghost through. Right now, the only saving grace was the desperate little kiss-ass trying to make up for one too many sins-

... Especially when he screamed and fell off of the desk. The large boss of all Ogres blinked, peering down at his desk. For a moment, he thought he had gone back in time, and had found Son Goku in his desk again. However, the moment passed, and he raised an eyebrow at Bardock.

"Thank you, Bardock. I had a member of Malchior 7 brought up from Hell recently to give it a good stain job. They can't just use any stain, though. It has to be a stain made from a desert walnut from Planet Spice. Hard to obtain nowadays." The Ogre grunted, looking a bit pleased at the compliment. He finished the sentence he was on, directed the next little wisp, then turned his fall attention to the cretin in the drawer.

"You and your friend down there must be here to try to swindle a day pass out of me, like the one I gave Son Goku some years ago." Like Bardock expected, Enma knew.

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[Bardock]

"Very true...Any old stain wouldn't do it justice." Bardock spoke frankly there, as the desk was quite nice. He could appreciate good craftsmenship...when he wasn't blowing stuff up.

As he had expected, Enma was aware of what they were wanting. Whether it was from the many ears he possibly had below that might have overheard them or simple intuition, Bardock wasn't sure. But it didn't seem Enma was entirely all knowing. "My Lord, 'swindle' is not the word I would use. That would insinuate I was trying to decieve you and you and I both know the last thing I want to do is cheat against the honorable giant that dictates my fate in death." He would rather deal with Ba'tege one on one actually.

"And it's just me...As I figure you would not really extend such a service to many and only on special circumstances. All I request...is one day on Earth. You could even look at it as doing my son, Kakarot, a favor! I'm sure, if only for a brief time, he would like to meet his father." This was a good part of the request really. Sure, another part was to ensure his other brat got into the good graces of his living family, but unless Enma showed he was aware that Raditz was alive again, Bardock would not be dropping that ball just yet. If there was more need for persuasion, he might need to admit more. If he got the pass, then he was homefree.

Since it already seemed the ogre was leery of their coming to make such a request, the Saiyajin spoke frankly and diplomatically, which not every third-class was capable of. "You know I won't set about causing any trouble. Doing so doesn't really benefit me in anyway and you would be more than capable to make my stay in Hell even worse if I betrayed your trust."

[Selypa]

At least Enma knew that this saiyajin could sometimes give a compliment without lying through his teeth or planning on blowing it up five minutes later. He grunted softly, looking pleased at Bardock's agreement about the stain, twisting the pen in his hand.

There was one deciding factor that was ultimately favoring Bardock: Enma was not a patient person. The line stretched for miles, and every second that he had waste instead of getting the idiots sorted through and in their respective places drove him nuts. It was how he had just agreed to King Kai training Goku without really giving it too much thought, after all.

The pen tapped on the desk as he listened to Bardock. Against his better judgement, he listened to the saiyajin, considering his words. It was actually pretty logical. He had overheard Goku talking to his wife, that maniacal Chi-Chi, about his father once. And if there was any saiyajin that had common sense worth a damn, it was Bardock. Truth be told, he actually kind of liked the little monkey. The bastard had fathered Goku, after all, one of the greatest heroes in all of the universe, and had risked everything to try to save his race against Frieza. Kind of a kamikaze stunt, but it was still gutsy.

Oh, and he could do more then fornicate, blow stuff up, eat, and spit curses, which was something that the rest of his race couldn't boast. Even Goku couldn't speak an intelligent phrase unless he was fighting someone.

The murmurings from the line caused the great Ogre's eye to twitch and he grunted, pointing his pen at Bardock.

"You better keep that in mind. You cause trouble out there, and I'll make sure you spend a day every week with that little freak Ba'Tege for the rest of your stay in Hell, maybe more depending on whatever shenanigans you get into." Enma warned him, as he essentially agreed to Bardocks request. It seriously helped that at least three planets were suffering from a plague and were bogging poor Enma down. "Talk to the two Ogres at the gate by the Blood Fountain when you're ready. Now show."

Enma started to turn away when a thought occurred to him. As much as he hated to admit it, he actually owed the saiyajin a great deal. Sure, he was still something of a punk, but he had nearly wiped himself from existence to try to lock Ba'Tege away, even for a short amount of time. He knew nothing good was going to come out of any of this, but, once again, Enma had a bit of a favoring for Bardock after the man's turn around. He was still an annoying prick, but...

"You'll have your 48 hours." And with that, Enma shut his drawer, basically forcing the two saiyajin back the way they came, with a better gift then they could expect.

[Bardock]

Did he hear that right?

"You'll have your 48 hours."

Enma was a pretty loud guy, Bardock was sure he could hear him loud as day but did he really say...

"You'll have your 48 hours."

Coming back to reality, Bardock stumbled back down before he got caught in the closed drawer and he blinked owlishly in the dark. "Did Enma really give me 48 hours?" The confused Saiya-jin arched a brow at his companion as he processed the news. He could get quite a bit done in that amount of time and thensome. He just wasn't expecting such generousity. He wasn't entirely sure what had brought it on, but part of him could speculate on a few incidents.

Once Bardock recollected himself, he grinned as they started heading back down. Excitement was already coursing through him as he thought about leaving the Other World, even if it was simply two days. If things went well, he wouldn't be back for a good long time. He wondered if he would feel hungry or not. It didn't matter, if he got a hold of those Dragon Balls, he would be set. He wasn't sure how he would set about finding them but he was sure his family would help somehow.

"Since Raditz is gone and not needing us to watch him, I think it may be best for you guys to relocate somewhere. In case, Ba'Tege or Turles decide to come sniffing back around." The third class commander started putting the plan together once they were out of the passageway and away from ogre ears. Both of those Saiya-jins would be particularly pissed all things considered and he didn't want his team to be stuck dealing with either of them. "Those Dragon Balls have limited wishes...So the first will be to bring yours and the other's remains to Earth so we don't have to go hunting for them. Secondly, I'll get myself wished back to life. Uh...Don't really have anything for wish three off the top of my head."

The third wish...Bardock really didn't care to get anything. Then again... "We could restore all the tails to the living Saiya-jins if we need to, I suppose. What do you think?" With a glance at his own, now twitchy tail, he was rather partial to the idea.

[Selypa]

During the time that Bardock had been peddling his request to Enma, Selypa had been poking around the drawer, prowling around the giant Ogre's belongings as her tail hung in the air above her, in a relaxed question mark. She had occasionally glanced over, trying to hide her tension, and forcing herself to stay quiet, even shoving her arm in her mouth at one point.

It was literally all she could do to keep her mouth shut and not ruin this. In fact, it was probably the only time in her entire life that she had shut her mouth and didn't get them into some kind of trouble. Almost makes a girl proud... then bored.

But she managed to keep her mouth shut, and just stared at Bardock in the dark enclosure of the drawer.

"Moon's rays, you are the luckiest son of a bitch ever." She breathed, in something akin to shock herself. All they had been hoping for was a day. Now they had two. What the hell had Bardock done? Had she not known him personally, she would have bet that he polished something for Enma...

Instead, she turned, grinning with her tail waving behind her. Sure, now she had to figure out how to survive for two days without Turles and Ba'Tege killing them, but she could do that. Actually, Toma could do that. He was the second, after all. Selypa would just give him a hard time and kick the ass of anyone who tried to pick a fight with them.

"Got it." She affirmed, looking to him as they continued to move. So close.. She could almost taste it. It was almost within her grasp. They were all going to be alive!

... And they just had to deal with Ba'Tege and Turles. All right, that was almost not fair, but it was going to make it worth it.

"Huh. That's right. Most of 'em got their tails cut off, one way or another... I'd go for that." Out of respect for him, she didn't look at his tail. Hell, if she had nipped off the top of her tail, she'd be punching the lights out of anyone who so much as looked at it.

"I'll leave that to you though." She crossed her arms over her chest, thinking. "I'm quelling my desire to kick Panbukin's ass again and focusing on surviving."

.. Yeah. It was a joke.

[Bardock]

"Love it when luck's on my side."

Bardock figured the first thing he would do once out was go and find some pocket of his family. He would just be frank with them, as he had Enma. It was unlikely that they would give him much grief, of course, he would not be dismissive of the idea that they might.

If they didn't assist him, then he made plans to see the prince. Once he dropped the prospect of kickstarting the Saiya-jin race back up on the nostalgic royal's plate, Vegeta would surely nip at the bait. His undaunting sense of honor and pride would not allow such a chance to pass, even if he had started to settle into Earth life. The third class made a mental note to make that a personal side mission; resparking some of that feral tenacity in their peoples's leader.

There would be no dawdling. Bardock intended to make every damned minute count.

"Well..." The scarred man adjusted his arm covers. Excitement had him fidgeting. Fuck, if he wasn't the warrior that he was (let alone have Selypa in tow) he would consider humming a jaunty tune. Or even fucking skipping, cause it was just that fucking awesome. But Bardock maintained his dignity as he nodded towards the gate he was set to head on over to. "I would take a nap before going, but I'm too damned excited. Make sure you let Toma know everything that's going on...away from prying ears mind you, and hopefully I'll see you bastards soon."

With a proper salute to send her off, he turned away and made his way over to the two ogres stationed by the gate Enma had said for him to see. He grinned at the two, his cockiness well masked as he put his hands on his hips.

"Hey there, gents. I believe I'm Earth-bound for a bit, eh?"

~+~

Toma tapped his foot, waiting anxiously. After some interrogation of some other nearby hellions, they had learned that the notorious fallen prince had been around the area before they arrived. Since he could sense both Bardock and Selypa about, he was certain that they were fine. Besides, he was too busy keeping his two lumbering cohorts out of trouble while they waited for the others to come back. He could have sworn he felt them head upward for whatever reason and the tall Saiya-jin could only imagine what they were up to.