Monkey Shines

[Bardock]

Sleep wasn't something you needed when you were dead.

But Bardock liked to sleep, so that was what he was doing.

Unfortunately, sleeping made him a bit of a target since it wasn't exactly light dozing. So while he napped, sprawled on a fallen log with his hands under his head, one of the others usually kept watch. However, Panbukin was feeling like answering another call that the dead didn't really worry about and he meandered off to find something edible while staying within hearing range in case something did sneak up on the commander and he started cursing up a storm.

With his vigilant guard missing, it provided an opportune moment for an irritable monkey to clamor over and climb onto his chest. Unaware that his still polymorphed brother had decided to use him as his drawing tablet, Bardock continued to blissfully snore away. His snoring faltered a second as he snorted, picking up on the smell of fur, but he shrugged it off. It smelled Saiya-jin, it was fine.

The monkey got a little creative with some of the things he scribbled and once he was satisfied, he leapt off and scurried away before any of the man's team could catch him. He giggled like the twisted little prankster he was as he went.

Bardock's bandana was now missing, but in it's stead, well there were a few colorful additions. 'GLORY HOLE' in big, glaringly black letters was written on his forehead with an arrow pointing down, a crude doodle of a ding dong was on his left cheek, aimed at his mouth. Frieza FTW was on his right cheek, even over his scar. His lips had been painted red with a marker and swirly eyes had been drawn on his eyelids. Needless to say, the commander looked a sight.

[Selypa]

Like it was any different than normal, but Selypa was in one hell of a foul mood. After the run-in earlier with both Turles and Raditz, she had went off to pick a fight with various members of Frieza's mob. More importantly, she had sought Dodoria out and fought as furiously as she could with the member of Frieza's Elite.

... Even that just left her in a fouler mood, as it was just a constant reminder that the pulsing sack of rotting vagina flesh had killed her. It had to be apart of her own personal hell, to be constantly around that growth of larvae mucus.

Sporting battle wounds and fuming, her mood still dark, she made her way back to the little corner of Hell that she and the rest of the crew had staked as their own. The first thing she noticed was the commander, completely passed out... without anyone standing over him. A frown touched her lips and she glanced around for Panbukin, as it was his shift, before her gaze returned to hi-

For once, Selypa's jaw dropped. After a moment, she forced her jaw closed, a vein appearing in her forhead as one violet eye began to twitch. Her tail lashed sharply behind her before she turned.

"PANBUKIN! YOU SORRY SON OF A BITCH! I WILL FUCKING EVISCERATE YOU AND LET THAT ROTTING FLESH-SACK OF A PINK ASS-PUCKER FEAST ON YOUR REMAINS![/i]" The Raging Dyke roared. There was only one fucker that would have done this, but first off... Someone was going to die- again- for leaving his post.

Spitting on the ground in disgust, Selypa turned and directed a kick at the log. "BARDOCK! Wake up, yo-" ... Her eye caught sight of the 'GLORY HOLE' and she dissolved into a coughing fit as rage battled with helpless laughter.
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[Bardock]

Bardock sputtered. "-out of my son's pants, Zarbon. The hell...?"

The spikey haired man sat up after a little flailing. The combination of screaming and the kicking of the log jerked him out of his pleasant sleep, freaky if not nightmarish dream aside. He sniffed noisily once, then twice and smoothed a hand over his face, smearing the marker everywhere now.

"Why the fuck do I smell marker...?"

Bardock looked down at his blackened hand and flexed it. 'There's marker on my face?' His hand flexed again. 'Yep, that was marker ink. Someone drew on my face again.'

The commander made a face, belching inwardly and he was reminded of what he had drunk a few hours ago. Yeah, that was some good rum. Too bad he had shared it with the others. Despite Selypa's fury at all the marker marks, Bardock acted like it was nothing new. Actually, he wondered if Turles was running out of creative things to do to him. Some of it was starting to repeat. His black eyes drifted over to his discarded boots. If his brother had paid him a visit, yeah...He'd have to turn those out before he put them on.

"You would think I'd be more pissed off..." He looked over at Selypa, his expression stoic. She was coughing, so he wasn't sure if she was trying not to laugh or if it was something else. Either way, he could only imagine what his face looked like. He rubbed his hand on his pant leg as he glanced around for something to wash the shit off. "What exactly did he write?"

[Selypa]

Maybe she should be more used to this by now, but that bad mood was making her unable to take anything in good humor. Though part of her had to wonder what the hell he had been dreaming... Then again, anything involving Zarbon had to involve some form of molestation or rape...

Swallowing her cough, Selypa focused on trying to quell the bitter amusement at the words, her tail still lashing behind her, one hand over her mouth for a moment before she lowered her hand, resting it on her hip, her other hand hanging limp at her side. She had sprained or broken her wrist in her rage-induced fight picking and was just ignoring it for the moment.

"You're too lazy of a bum to get mad at the marker bit anymore." Selypa retorted, shaking her head, her short black locks whipping back and forth. Her violet eyes studied the smeared marker. "Quite a bit... I'd wipe your left cheek first, unless you enjoy male genitalia displayed on your features. You're apparently a glory hole now according to your forhead-" She almost choked on that one again but held herself back. "-there's swirls on your eyelids, your lips are as red as a whore's, and... Your right cheek.. Just smear that one. Frieza... Eff Tee Double-U. Not quite sure what that one means but I doubt it's pleasant."

Her violet eyes glanced around, narrowing as she imagined the tortures she could inflict on Panbukin whenever he returned from gorging. "Fatass..." She muttered under her breath before looking at him. "I should have known the little bastard would pay you a visit."

[Bardock]

If asked about the dream, Bardock would completely ignore the question. He made a mental note to go interrogate the freaky he/she alien just to be on the safe side, then he'd beat the stuffing out of him. But that would wait until he had all the marker off.

"I wouldn't say it's laziness as much as it is weariness. If I didn't know any better, I swear I had this crap on my face on a daily basis now." The third class wasn't sure, but it almost felt like the taunts, pokes and prods were coming at a more frenzied pace. Like soon Turles wouldn't be able to do it anymore so he was getting his fill of it while he could. At first he wondered if the bastard was up for reincarnation, but Bardock found that unlikely, they had been in Hell for far longer and had behaved better than his brother to a degree.

His thoughts shifted to the lengthy list of details on what was drawn on his face. Wow. He was glad Toma hadn't seen any of that yet! Instead of trying to hunt down a source of water, like he wanted to wash his face in the fountain, he pulled off one of his arm warmers, turned it inside out and used the inside with some good old fashioned spit to start wiping off the graffitti.

Since he had heard Selypa screaming up a storm, Panbukin apparently figured he would wait till she calmed down before coming back to their meager set-up. Bardock really didn't blame him. After cleaning off the 'Frieza eff tee double-u' which absolutely had to go first, he knew what that meant and he figured he would explain later, he cleaned his other cheek next.

"You should have known?" Now that he was more or less awake, Bardock gave her a once over and frowned. She looked a little worse for wear. "The hell happened to you?"

[Selypa]

"Just about a daily basis now. Sometimes twice or even thrice, depending on how many naps you decide to take." Selypa affirmed, grimacing a bit. It had seemed like Turles was getting a bit more frenzied about it... Now she knew why. The bastard was going to make an attempt to escape and was going to try to use Raditz to do it. "I actually have to wonder where he's getting all the markers. Must be tormenting the ogres for them."

The joys of being a member of a warrior race that focused more on destroying shit than being polite meant that the female saiyajin didn't even bat an eyelash at his spit-polish method of cleaning his face off. Hell, she had done it herself before. The only problem she had with spit was when someone decided to spit in her face. At that point, she flew off the handle, as Bardock's son had learned so many years ago.

Speaking of flying off the handle... Her violet eyes glanced around, searching for Panbukin. Her temper was still peaking, and she was longing to take it out on that idiotic lardass. Actually, it seemed like her screaming had cleared the area more then usual. Even the enforcers had quickly found somewhere else to be in that corner of Hell, or were at least studiously ignoring her.

After fifty years, she had garnered a bit of a reputation...

Her attention swivelled back to Bardock as he spoke again. A snort escaped her as she gave herself a glance over. "I picked a fight with Dodoria and moon-knows how many other of Frieza's little idiots." A somewhat bitter laugh escaped her. "They were more then happy to comply." Lifting her injured hand, she bit the glove with her teeth, carefully pulling it off and ignoring the jarring pain. Taking the glove out of her mouth, she stuffed it in her waist band and began to examine her wrist, to determine if it was a break or just a bad sprain.

"I think I found out why your psycho of a brother's been acting up even more lately. He's found a way to get out, and he's using your son to do it. His druid abilities, actually. Apparently Raditz has been passing time in Hell by trying to get his earth-lovin' back on."

[Bardock]

As he scrubbed his lips hard, his eyes flicked up to her as she explained why she was looking so battered. Initially it sounded relatively humdrum and fairly ordinary.

Until it came to Raditz.

He looked back down, his hand slowing in the scrubbing. When Selypa had lamented to him shortly after getting Raditz back on track so many years ago on Vegetasei...Bardock was of a mixed opinion. It was...interesting that someone in the family had a knack for druidic power. It was disappointing that the boy had been less than enthused about going back to work. Honestly, it was pretty fucking hilarious that he had given it the spitfire go in trying to piss Selypa in every way he could.

"Funny...The old way we thought no longer served a purpose is what's going to save him, huh?" The irony was palpable. How many druids had left their ways to go nuking planets? Maybe one too many. How many ever turned back to their old training? None actually. Raditz may very well be the first and his reward for doing so was pretty impressive. Considering they pulled it off.

"Well, that explains a lot now." His brows twitched and knit together. The more he thought about the situation, the more...dread? Yeah, dread. Something about it was filling him with dread. "I've got a bad feeling about this whole thing. And I know I don't have to tell you why."

There was no vision acting up, at least not yet and he hoped there wouldn't be one. The last thing he needed was to see Kakarot putting his brother back in his grave or something. That or Turles once he was done with his son. Bardock spat on a clean portion of his cloth and reached up to pull his bandana off to clean his forehead. Wow, he must have been sleeping hard and having a doozy of a time waking. His tail bristled around his waist as he growled, "Where...the fuck...is my bandanna...?"

No one touched the fucking bandanna. Bardock was on his feet in a shot, bellowing even louder than Selypa could scream. "TUUUUUUURLES!!"

[Selypa]

Lamented... More like bitched at. Bardock might have found it amusing that Raditz had decided to try to piss off Selypa every way that he could, but she had never found it that funny. Her tail bristled at the thought of it sometimes. Kids were bad enough, but when they were that fucking disrespectful...

"Apparently." The 'Raging Dyke' confirmed, her fingers probing along her wrist. A sharp sting of pain almost made her hiss, but she held it in, grimacing. It felt like a break. She'd have to make a make-shift splint or something until the bone knit. Thankfully, it wouldn't take long. They healed fast, after all.

Part of her was surprised that Raditz decided to go back. She never heard of any other druid going back after going the way of boom-boom-bang. Then again, she had never seen a kid so deadset in staying.. Hence the part of her that wasn't surprised. Apparently no one, even her, had been able to beat it out of him... If Raditz could bring them back as well, then it would be well worth it the fact that she had willingly said that she was wrong.

Her violet eyes lifted to him, a grimace tugging at her lips. No, she didn't need an explanation or anything of the like. "I was getting a bad feeling myself, but yours is probably more accurate than mine." She retorted. Something was bugging her. What the hell was mis-

... Aw, hell. Her violet eyes narrowed and she nearly pulled a Kakarot by facepalming with her injured hand. Somehow, she resisted the urge, her tail snapping hard enough to crack the air.

"Fuckin' hell!" She swore softly, beating herself up for not noticing. The wonderful ragefest must have made her as stupid as Nappa not to realize his bandana was missing.

If there was anyone in Hell that didn't hear that enraged shout, Selypa would be surprised. Ignoring the pain in her hand, she jammed the glove on her hand. "God damn it..." She looked around before sniffing the air, seeking the scent of the fucking chimp.

Fucking hell.. I can't believe I didn't notice the bandana was missing! What the hell is wrong with me?!

[Bardock]

Bardock was too busy staring to the side intently to take note of Selypa's late notice. His black eyes were darting back and forth, looking as if he were searching for something visible that wasn't quite there. In actuality, he was trying to track Turles. If there was one thing good that came from being brotherly bonded, something his sons had not had the chance to do due to Raditz and his assinine behavior, it was he was able to sense where his dumbfuck brother was without having to hunt through ki.

He silently berated himself, remembering that he had smelled something in his sleep that was familiar yet warped. He should have figured it was him and gotten up. Whatever that warped scent that was also there must have thrown his nose off.

"I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS, GOD DAMN IT!" Bardock roared, getting a fix and like a shot was off, charging like the Other World's fastest fricking bulldozer. Seriously, anything in his way either went sky high or got trampled.

"WHEN THEY LOOK UP BEATDOWN IN THE DICTIONARY, YOUR PURPLE MUG'S GONNA BE RIGHT THERE WITH IT!" Just about every hellion and their mother could hear him. "YOU'RE GONNA BE HURTIN' SO BAD OUR ANCESTORS ARE GONNA FEEL IT!"

"The hell...?" Toma, having gotten too curious to ignore the screaming any longer, had come back from Needle Mountain hopping to see what the fuss was all about. The tall, black and blue clad Saiya-jin looked down at Selypa. "What's going on and why does it sound like Bardock's gone postal...? And what happened to you?"

(No Toma yet so for now I include him in my Bardock posts till we get one. Deal with it.)

[Turles]

"Why'd you steal the bandanna-Ow." Dias leaned away, rubbing his cheek where the irritable chimp had slapped him with a stick.

Turles, after having made off with Bardock's prize possession and giving him a face to remember, had managed to find his late crew being their usually lazy selves. He had not disclosed his plans to revival and had no intention to. Even in Hell they were worthless.

The angry ball of fur shook the long switch at him and the others, uttering a combination of chitters and shrieks. At first when they saw the monkey, they had debated eating him until he wrote in the dirt that it was him. Then they debated using him as a kickball till the spell wore off. Even in a decent mood, that had pissed him off to no end. He didn't even get respect from his cronies. What the hell?

He started to lay into them as best his chimp body could, which would last only fifteen or so more minutes when he froze. What the hell was that sense of impending doom and-

"I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS, GOD DAMN IT!" Turles's red eyes slowly widened. Was that Bardock? "WHEN THEY LOOK UP BEATDOWN IN THE DICTIONARY, YOUR PURPLE MUG'S GONNA BE RIGHT THERE WITH IT! YOU'RE GONNA BE HURTIN' SO BAD OUR ANCESTORS ARE GONNA FEEL IT!"

If color could drain from a chimp's face, Turles would be unusually white. He'd heard Bardock mad before, but this was an entirely different beast. His crew all stared down at the potential dead man, and then they scattered. 'Traitorous curs!' The monkey gave a shriek before he turned tail and started to haul ass as fast as his short legs could go. Maybe if he threatened to eat the scrap of cloth, Bardock might back down. Then again, he sounded too pissed to reason with at the moment. 'I might have pushed the envelope a little far this time...!'

[Selypa]

Naturally, Selypa didn't even have a whiff before Bardock had latched onto something and taken off like a fuckin' ogre to a buffet of cake and beer. The roar that Bardock directed to his brother caused her ears to ring, but only a bit. Frankly, she was so used to her own shouting that it didn't even phase her too great, other then to cause her to growl a bit. Truth be told, there was something addictive about his rage, something that caused her eyes to dialate. She pushed it back, however, and was about to take off after Bardock when Toma decided to finally join the party.

Her tail lashed the air before wrapping around her slender waist. If there was one thing Selypa was careful about, it was her tail, which was the only thing that she took any narcisstic pride in. It was a damn good tail, and was rather long for her short stature. So whenever she was getting ready to fight, she secured the appendage. Not to mention, it was a weakness and she didn't want someone to grab it in hopes of stopping her.

Selypa's odd violet eyes turned to Toma, already scowling at him. "Because he has gone postal, you idiot. Panbukin decided to tromp away to the nearest edible object and Turles was able to get ahold of his bandana." Which actually kind of pissed her off herself.

"Nevermind me, you idiot. Let's just go. I'm not missing this for the world." Hey. Violence turned her on, like any other bitch of a saiyajin woman. And she would not miss a chance to see Turles getting his ass kicked. Without waiting for a response from Toma, Selypa took off after the path of destruction Bardock had left. Talk about not needing to pick up on a trail...

"By the way, Panbukin is getting his ass kicked. I'm going to choke him with his own blubber!"

[Bardock]

Toma wondered again why they still put their hefty partner on guard duty now and again. Probably cause they had finally figured he had understood that they didn't really need to eat in Hell. But then again, Panbukin was working mostly on the animal instincts he was born with and if his body was declaring it chow time, there didn't seem to be much help for it.

The tall, burly saiyajin was not exactly as quick as Selypa was to join Bardock. It was going to end up the same as ever other time his best friend went hunting after his brother : They'd scuffle, whatever was snatched would be taken back and they would sit there and give each other the stink eye until (as odd as it seemed) Turles left the scene in some weird huff. Sometimes he or one of the others started as if they wanted to finish what the fight started, but Bardock always told them to leave him be. Apparently, his friend didn't want things even more sour (if that were possible) then they already were and he respected that. Now if he caught Turles alone out of hearing range...Totally different situation.

Unaware and not really caring whether Selypa and Toma were following behind, it took no time at all for Bardock to catch up to where Turles was. He saw from a distance that his brother's minions were scattering like cockroaches. He was half tempted in his ire to blast them away, not only for being sorry excuses for comrades but just because he just plain didn't like them.

But he was quickly zooming in on the target of his rage...to which he faltered. A little monkey? What the hell? It didn't take the crafty man long to figure out his brother had dipped his toes into quite a bit of trouble today already.

Without missing a step, the third class commander rushed after the small monkey, catching up in the bat of an eyelash. One leg shot back and he delivered a powerful kick right at the furry little bugger's ass, intent on punting him through a few rocks for starters.

[Turles]

On every rushed step, Turles was cursing a lot of people. He was cursing Almond and the others for abandoning him. He was cursing his nephew for temporarily crippling him in this pathetic form. And he was cursing Bardock for being so damned attached to a rag that stunk of dry, soaked in blood. Even though he knew it wouldn't be anything for his brother to catch up, Turles was still trying his damnest to get the fuck out of the way.

WHAM!

That kick had been more damaging than he expected. Apparently, not only was his speed and strength impaired, but his defenses were pretty much in the gutter. And then there were a few willowy yet sturdy trees and a rock it sent him crashing through to boot. Needless to say, one hit and he was out for the count.

The battered, and now bloody, furball winced. He was lying on his gut among some of the rocky debris. The bandanna was now missing, hell, he dropped it the moment Bardock's foot made contact with his can.

'I'm just...gonna sleep this off like a bad hangover...with a few things potentially ruptures...' At least he could recover, even so badly beaten. Now if his brother hauled off and decided to vaporize him with a strong enough, then he was a goner.

'Note to self...Don't touch the fucking headband. His brain logged that one under the healthy list of Don'ts. 'Any reservation...Out the window.'

His nose twitched and his ears swiveled back. Joy! His brother's friends were coming too?! He just couldn't catch a break. Turles grit his teeth, eyes scrunched from the pain as he tried to drag himself into a hiding spot. His brother might hesitate, but they wouldn't. And if he stopped them, well there was no stopping them from meandering away to finish the job.

[Selypa]

Even if the end result was the same, there was something infinitely more hilarious about the idea of Turles getting his ass handed to him as a fucking chimp. Would it be as satisfying as a true match? Never. Would it be great comic relief after almost fifty years? Oh yes.

It was only a pity that Bardock never seemed to let them finish the damn job. She could easily count the number of saiyajin who gave a shit about their siblings to the point where they held their comrades back. She and her sibling, for example, never were as close as she was to the members of her team. In fact, she didn't even know if she remembered her sibling's name. Wait, yes, she did, just as she vaguely remembered her egg and sperm donor names. Not like it mattered.

Still, even when the end result was always going to be the same... It would be good to enjoy a show that would allow them all to chuckle over some beers later. If they got lucky, they'd be able to steal some of the ogre's brew.

Thanks to her smaller size and quicker form, Selypa made up the time she had lost on the way over, landing just in time to see the boot plant into the chimp's ass. A bark of laughter escaped Selypa, and she was about to make some comment, or even send a blast at Turles, when something in the air caught her orchid eyes. Looking up, she pushed off the ground, launching into the air. One white-gloved hand closed around the crimson band, grabbing it before Almond or any of Turles's idiots could return to snag it, or even before irony sent it out of their reach. Like always, the scent of dried blood was strong, though not as overpowering as it must have been close to half a century ago.

Landing back on the ground, she gazed down at the band for a long moment before she lifted her eyes back to the man, keeping the bandana in a firm grip to prevent any fucking chimps or morons from snatching it from her. "Bardock." She called to him, letting him have a bit more fun. If he did look over, she'd hold up the bandana in her hand. "Retrieval successful."

[Bardock]

Bardock ignored her as he stalked after Turles.

After landing a successful blow, his rage had died down quickly to a slow simmer. There had to be something he could do to really lay it into his brother that his behavior was starting to tax his patience. Actually, when he really thought about it, there was only one true option that would not only be difficult for Turles to bear, but by far the most embarrassing thing that could happen to a Saiya-jin.

"Don't follow." He grunted to Selypa, and now Toma who had caught up with them due to his leisurely pace. The commander growled darkly, not glancing back. This was personal. It was sometimes irritating when they decided to chase along for the show. But not this time, not with what he was planning to do. "I catch either of you watching, I'll beat the tar out of you. AND keep you sober for a good long time."

He stepped around the smashed rocks and the splintered tree to catch Turles before he caught up to the twitching furball. He grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and picked him up, making his way further away from his comrades to an out of sight nook close to an ogre post. Once he was done, Bardock would leave him with them. Being in Hell for a good fifty years had it's perks, especially when one worked with them to keep Cell and Frieza in line.

"This is going to hurt me just as much as it's going to hurt you, but I've run out of options here. I don't know what the fuck to do with you!" Bardock dropped him on the ground and stomped a foot down on his back to keep him still while he bent down. He gripped the small tail, definitely smaller than what it normally was. The third class exhaled deeply, charging a cutting ki saw in his hand before...WHACK!

He ignored the shriek as he stood straight up. The tail changed once it was severed, much longer like the Saiya-jin tail it really was. Removing his foot, he carried the thrashing monkey over to the ogres who gave him some funny looks before they heard out his request and took the pest off his hands. Turles would have a few days to sulk in the small lockout, as Bardock headed back to the others. It was likely his brother would not have an improved attitude, but perhaps it would really hit home that he needed to stop being a prick. He approached Selypa, snatching back his headband with his free hand, with the severed tail dangling in the other. His anger was still simmering slightly. "Where's Raditz?"